The Ugly Truth

I'm jealous of someone, and if others knew this fact, or heaven help the person I'm speaking of, I think everyone would revolt. Our maybe they would just be revolted. You see, I'm jealous of a woman who lost her child a year ago. I have felt nothing but grief for this person; and yet my family has been cast out because this person doesn't think I cared enough. I have gone through so many emotions. I get sad, then angry, then guilty and now jealous. There is nothing rational about my emotions, and I get that. Oh yeah - I forgot to mention how alone all this makes me. Alone and crazy.

She loses her child and kicks me out of her life. She has everyone else's sympathy. No one will this matter which ostracizes me even further. Fast forward. Now they are trying to adopt. I want them to be happy,  I do, but I created this blog to have a place where I could be honest.  They started a campaign to raise money and they are half way there. I want another baby myself, so bad, and yet it is way more likely than not that I will be able to. I don't have the money for a tubal reversal surgery, and no 'quick' way, i.e. Family,  loans,  etc. to make it happen. But this person,  who has suffered such a loss, has been able to raise twice the amount I would need for my procedure.  I want then to be happy,  feel whole and have a family of their own. I would also like to be a future part of their extended family. But I am jealous. 

I have no where to take these stupid feelings of mine. I have no way of getting what I want. I am so sad and confused. As I write this, I truly do feel like  terrible me, but this time the shameful, unhappy kind.

This blogger is in a different set of circumstances,  or was, but her words match how I feel:

http://www.thehappiestsad.com/2011/03/jealousy.html?m=1