Why "A Terrible Me"?

So when I told my husband about the new blog I started and what I called it, he was very perplexed.  He did not understand why I would call it "a terrible me."  He thought that it was very shaming.  I thought about that.  I do, after all, have self esteem issues.  I do have trouble with shame and fear.  And as I tried to reassure him that I did not mean it in a shame-way, I pondered my choice of words.  They were very intentional.

I suppose part of the reason is that the 'title' and 'sub-title' of my blog go together: a terrible me [who is trying] to see past the [crime that is] perfect[ion].  Isn't that MUCH clearer?!

But it is true.  My counselor once told me that perfectionism comes from a place of shame, and I believe her.  When we try so hard to be perfect, it is because we are ashamed we are not.  I give up on things that are "too hard" because I am afraid they will not be perfect.  I give up before I have even tried.  THAT is shame.  Not calling myself 'terrible.'

By calling myself terrible, I am allowing for the possibility of it.  By saying, "It is okay to be terrible," I am actually trying to say, "You have nothing to be ashamed of.  You give your best.  You make mistakes. But most importantly, you try."  All of this is just me trying.

It has been several days since I last wrote and since I posted a picture of my dirty living room.  And you wanna know what?  I got it spotless and messy several times since then.  Same with the kitchen and the bathroom.  No such luck on my room or the boys' room.  But that is okay.  For those days, I tried, and today I will try again.  I am actually up earlier than I have been since I quit working.  I forget that I am a closet morning person.  There is nothing I like more than sleeping in, but the peace and quiet that the morning brings, and the sense of having so much time to accomplish so many things is a very hopeful feeling.  So today I start here, with my words, and I move on to dishes and trash.  And then I will give my boys much-deserved attention, and then maybe I'll get a nap.  A hard earned one!

I was looking for a great image to add to my post and I found this - both the image and the link.  Check it out - a fantastic post about one person's goal to challenge herself, but she so deliciously sums up in a paragraph everything I wanted to say.  Not about running, per se, but that is super inspirational as well.

Suppose Anything Goes: On Being a (Terrible) Runner