It's been a long time since I've spoken to some of my family. A really long time. For good reasons, and yet tonight I watched a stupid movie that is bringing it all up. A movie about what happens if you can't remember why you made the choice in the first place and what happens when you do remember. Do you "kiss and make up" - and I don't necessarily mean it in a romantic sense - or do you draw the line in the sand, AGAIN?
People often advise: forget and forgive! That's what second chances are for; what would you do if so-and-so died today? The list goes on. The problem with these questions is that there are rarely any clear-cut answers, and the advice so easily given is much harder to accept when in the reverse situation.
My husband is out of town this week and I am home with the kids. As I watched my movie they ran and played happily outside. I was by myself, pondering my family, and lonely.
I do not want to reconnect with the people I have put literal time and distance from. I may want to one day, but not today, not tonight. But seeing stupid movies doesn't ease the bitterness of years and days gone by, of the good memories and the bad. Tonight I am still certain of my choices, but discomfited nonetheless. It feels like wearing your favorite sweat pants, the ones you practically live in, but find they are a little too tight after a huge meal, and it's a little uncomfortable.
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