Why "A Terrible Me"?

So when I told my husband about the new blog I started and what I called it, he was very perplexed.  He did not understand why I would call it "a terrible me."  He thought that it was very shaming.  I thought about that.  I do, after all, have self esteem issues.  I do have trouble with shame and fear.  And as I tried to reassure him that I did not mean it in a shame-way, I pondered my choice of words.  They were very intentional.

I suppose part of the reason is that the 'title' and 'sub-title' of my blog go together: a terrible me [who is trying] to see past the [crime that is] perfect[ion].  Isn't that MUCH clearer?!

But it is true.  My counselor once told me that perfectionism comes from a place of shame, and I believe her.  When we try so hard to be perfect, it is because we are ashamed we are not.  I give up on things that are "too hard" because I am afraid they will not be perfect.  I give up before I have even tried.  THAT is shame.  Not calling myself 'terrible.'

By calling myself terrible, I am allowing for the possibility of it.  By saying, "It is okay to be terrible," I am actually trying to say, "You have nothing to be ashamed of.  You give your best.  You make mistakes. But most importantly, you try."  All of this is just me trying.

It has been several days since I last wrote and since I posted a picture of my dirty living room.  And you wanna know what?  I got it spotless and messy several times since then.  Same with the kitchen and the bathroom.  No such luck on my room or the boys' room.  But that is okay.  For those days, I tried, and today I will try again.  I am actually up earlier than I have been since I quit working.  I forget that I am a closet morning person.  There is nothing I like more than sleeping in, but the peace and quiet that the morning brings, and the sense of having so much time to accomplish so many things is a very hopeful feeling.  So today I start here, with my words, and I move on to dishes and trash.  And then I will give my boys much-deserved attention, and then maybe I'll get a nap.  A hard earned one!

I was looking for a great image to add to my post and I found this - both the image and the link.  Check it out - a fantastic post about one person's goal to challenge herself, but she so deliciously sums up in a paragraph everything I wanted to say.  Not about running, per se, but that is super inspirational as well.

Suppose Anything Goes: On Being a (Terrible) Runner

To Change or Not To Change...

...That is the question.

It's a brand new day and a brand new way to explore me.  As I sit and ponder what exactly I want to say, I can look around my house and see all the things that I want to change.  Well, my house is the most obvious.  Laundry needs to be done.  Dishes need to be washed.  Toys need to be put away.  Most people would probably say, "Yeah, yeah - me too," but my need to "do" extends beyond those surface things.  I need to wash walls -  fresh paint if my apartment will let me.  I need to scrub the floors and pray for a miracle for my carpets.  Too many spills and too many "I'll-get-that-later."

But my living space is just one thing.  I am starting this blog for several reasons.  I want to keep myself accountable by logging what it is I do - or not do.  I want this to be a time to stop and reflect.  I want this to be a dialogue with myself that maybe one day other readers can relate to.  It seems so easy to say things like "I want to change the world" but I am finding it hardest of all to change myself.  I want to change the way I respect my living space.  I want to change my weight and respect my body.  I want to change how I interact with my family and learn to be more authentic and kinder.  I want to change my approach to creativity (though that is a dedicated topic on my other blog).  So you can see there are many, many things I want to change.  And I'll be honest.  I have no idea how to do all of this, or where to start.

So I start with my words, with my DESIRE to change.  I start with picking up the laundry because that is easier than picking up the soul. My hope is that as I pick up one sock at a time it will have a ripple effect in my life.

I am going to be brutally honest here.  In a world of social media where we post pretty pictures of ourselves and gloss over the messy in our lives, I want to be real.  Like, really real.  I hope others will not judge me as harshly as I judge me, which brings me to the change I ultimately want to see in myself.